drunk with power

I (Who Have Nothing)

Dear City of New Orleans,

I almost feel sorry for you Saints fans. In 12 short hours, you’ll be crying in your fancy cocktails.

Why does New Orleans “need” or “deserve” a Super Bowl win? Have any of you ever visited Indiana? WE HAVE NOTHING*. We don’t have a rich ethnic tradition. We don’t have an identifiable cuisine. We don’t have the deep music history. Our claim to international fame is a “sport” where a bunch of assholes drive fast and turn left.

You don’t need it. You have so much more. Yes, I know a hurricane devastated your city. Yes, I know you’ve never been to the Super Bowl. You don’t need it.

Indianapolis needs this. Our once proud basketball heritage was undone by the Pacers organization assembling a gang of thugs and miscreants who’d rather shoot at people in strip club parking lots than play the game. Not that I care, but we don’t have a Major League Baseball team. Look at lists covering virtually any statistic about major American cities, and tell me how many you find that don’t skip straight from Houston to Jacksonville.

For all the kudos Peyton Manning and the Colts receive in the media, they still don’t get any respect. Manning is the smartest quarterback ever to play the game. Nobody respects the smart kid in school. Trust me. I know.

Thanks, and sorry we had to do this to you,

Jason

*Unless you’re a local. Then you know the secrets already.